Oops I cheated again …

Do you remember seeing an ex for the first time after you’ve broken up? You kind of stiffen up a little bit and aren’t too sure how to approach them.

No matter how many times you talked yourself through this exact situation, all that practice is forgotten in a millisecond. Without you even realizing, everything shows on your face… the love, the hate, the hurt, the optimism, the desire, the dread; it all shows. I’ve seen the look many a time b, I know. Do I blame you? No, not really. It’s hard to literally see in front of you someone who once made you think of stability, happiness, marriage, kids and what you considered a normal life.

If you are the cheater, it makes it ten times worse if you know that your partner has had experiences with cheating before. Why would you choose to behave like their ex boyfriend … their ex girlfriend … their mother …. their father? Why would you choose to bring back those thoughts of unworthiness? Those thoughts of “did I do something wrong?” Why would you chose to ruin a good thing? Why would you choose to perpetuate the horrible pattern of men or women who cheat when saying they love them?

When I initially said that I was going to write a piece on cheaters, I got told it was going to be very short as there are no two ways about it, the person is just an asshole. Which I agree with. If you’re a cheater you’re an asshole. But this is written for both parties. The cheater and the one getting cheated on. A beautiful blend of my own experiences and others heartbreak tales gathered over time.

I wonder if you know what we go through to get over you. To stop the hurt. To keep the good memories good and not to let it taint my past or my view on the new. I wonder if you realize the cost we pay to love people like you. The tears cried, the hours of wondering about our own self worth we will never get back, the money spent on reinventing a new look, the risk of sleeping with people that we both know don’t match up to you, filling the time once spent with you with work, the lips that once kissed you, wrapped around a bottle …

Everyone’s experiences are different, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that we pay with our minds, our hearts our bodies and our emotions.

“I think part of the reason why we hold onto something so tight is because we fear something so great won’t happen twice”

This is such a cringey thing to say, but it will get better and when the time is right you will find someone new. (Waheeeey! It’s not all morbid) Happiness isn’t built in a day.

A message to the people still hurting … Holding on to thoughts of this bad relationship is disrespectful to yourself.  You know you’re worth more. You know you’re not going back there. You know that it’s not your fault. Every second you waste on this is time you aren’t going to get back. Tick tock, bitch.


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